


it's beginning to look a lot like dick pics

by acoostic



Series: a whole new world (literally) [29]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, also americanized sorry i know, background chouji/karui, the rare and mythical solicited dick pic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:48:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23485564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acoostic/pseuds/acoostic
Summary: There aren’t many regrets Shikamaru has accrued over his life thus far. He rarely does things unless he can see the profit in it for him, and he even more rarely does things he doesn’t want to do. Flings don’t faze him because he makes it clear that nothing will be coming out of their one night of sex. He doesn’tgetattached and he sure as hell makes sure they don’t get attached to him.Which is why it’s weird that he asks one of his past flings to send him a photo at 3am instead of just going out and finding someone new. His reasoning is not only is it late, but he’s tired and just wants help getting to sleep and his usual tricks aren’t working.
Relationships: Nara Shikamaru/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: a whole new world (literally) [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/294353
Comments: 7
Kudos: 190





	it's beginning to look a lot like dick pics

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: my boss is always telling me how perfect her son would be for me and she promises he’s coming to the next holiday party and don’t worry he’s heard all about me too and ALSO there’s this dude i slept with once a couple of months ago and sometimes he still sends me dick pics when i ask him to at 3 in the morning cause seriously dude’s got a good dick AU

There aren’t many regrets Shikamaru has accrued over his life thus far. He rarely does things unless he can see the profit in it for him, and he even more rarely does things he doesn’t want to do. Flings don’t faze him because he makes it clear that nothing will be coming out of their one night of sex. He doesn’t _get_ attached and he sure as hell makes sure they don’t get attached to him.

Which is why it’s weird that he asks one of his past flings to send him a photo at 3am instead of just going out and finding someone new. His reasoning is not only is it late, but he’s tired and just wants help getting to sleep and his usual tricks aren’t working.

What’s weirder is the guy sends back not only a laughing face emoji, but then also perhaps one of the best dick pics that Shikamaru has ever witnessed. It certainly has him grabbing himself, erection already forming before he gets his hand in his pants. He’s moments from coming when the guy texts him again: _got anything for me in return?_

He’s never done this before — exchanged nudes with someone, serious relationships or otherwise — but the fact that the guy even wanted one in return sent him over the edge. Shikamaru huffs as he realizes he definitely just came in his pants like a teenager before he could even think about taking a picture. He raises an eyebrow and wonders if perhaps this is better.

 _Sorry_ , he sends back, _got a little eager. Maybe next time._

The response is an emoji sighing and a laughing one again. Then he gets _you could always show me my handiwork._

Shikamaru hesitates. Is he really about to take a picture of himself, cum drying all over the inside of his pants, and send it to this guy that he slept with a couple weeks ago? In his head he can hear Chouji telling him to pretend to be asleep, meanwhile Ino is cheering him on and suggesting angles. Against better judgment, he leans into Ino’s voice and pulls away his sweatpants to snap a picture of his spent cock surrounded by its mess. He closes his eyes and hits send — immediately opening them again to make sure he sent it to the right person and not like, his _mother_.

A couple minutes later, he just receives a simple _oh my fucking god_ followed quickly by an eggplant and several sweat emojis, and Shikamaru thinks, ‘ _Ino can never know_.’

He cleans himself up and gets back into bed after that, and sleep is a lot easier to find him this time.

——

“Seriously, Shika, you need to settle down!” It takes a lot for him to not roll his eyes at his boss, who as usual is pestering him about his love life for some reason. He’d file a complaint, but he knows she means well. Kushina pouts at him like he hasn’t been listening to her — which he hasn’t. “I keep telling you that my son is perfect for you, but you won’t even meet with him!”

“Kushina, I don’t think that it’s exactly kosher to date your boss’ son.”

She huffs, her cheeks getting red with anger. Shikamaru sees his own mother in her briefly, and it makes him shudder. “I’ve talked to Kurenai in HR about it, and she says as long as we don’t make scenes about it and it’s declared properly for paperwork that it’s _fine_.”

He sighs and puts down his report on her desk, like he’d intended to do when he first walked into her office. “What’s this really about Kushina? I’ve been single the whole time I’ve worked for you; why do you suddenly want to set me up with your son?”

Her response is just to grumble for a moment before she sighs. “He’s been acting funny ever since he broke up with his girlfriend, and I just want to see him happy with someone again.”

“So your solution is to set him up with your male employee?” Shikamaru deadpans, a grin trying to sneak its way onto his face.

“He came out as bisexual years ago, if you must know,” Kushina pouts, and in the back of his mind, Shikamaru wonders if he’s going to get any work done in the next couple hours. “I just figured dating a guy would be a nice change of pace for him.”

“Hmm, well, I think that’s a decision for your son to make, not his mother,” Shikamaru says, knowing firsthand how unwanted a mother’s interference in your love life can be. He can still remember the dinners Yoshino had orchestrated between him and Ino back in the first couple years of college, and how she’d invited Chouji instead when he finally confessed to her he was gay. Ino and Chouji still joked about them being a _throuple_ just to piss him off.

“But he takes _so long_ to make decisions sometimes,” grumbles Kushina, and Shikamaru kinda feels bad for her son. 

“I’m sure he’ll make the decision that’s right for him eventually.”

She sighs. “I suppose you’re right. I just worry about him.”

Shikamaru smiles at her. “Kushina, if he’s anything like you, then I’m sure he’ll be just fine.”

There’s a beat where Shikamaru is afraid he’ll have to fend off his boss for another fifteen minutes, but she smiles back at him and picks up the report he gave her. “So where are we at with this project?”

——

“You’ve hit a dry spell,” says Ino, as if that statement alone could explain the mysteries of the universe.

“I have not hit a _dry spell_ ,” grumbles Shikamaru before taking a swig of his beer. “I’m a little thing called _busy with my job_. I’m sorry I haven’t had time to go clubbing with you lately, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been sex-deprived.”

“Yeah?” She leans in close, so their faces are almost touching as they sit next to each other on the couch. “When was the last time your hands touched a dick that wasn’t your own?”

He pauses to think back on his past few sexual encounters, and as he realizes a common theme, he wonders if there’s a way to go back in time and tell Ino not to come over that night. Shikamaru opens his mouth, but closes it. “Okay, so maybe it’s been a bit _lacking_ lately, but it’s certainly not been dry.”

“Oh?” The unbridled curiosity in her voice marks this conversation as a regret, and Shikamaru wishes he’d just let her try to set him up with someone instead of arguing back. He didn’t know how she did it, but she always managed to play him like this. He’s got a suspicion that she asks for tips from his mother. “Fess up, Shika, what have you been getting up to if not hooking up with flings?”

Fingers pressing into his eyes, Shikamaru briefly wonders if it might be better to just jump off his apartment’s balcony rather than have this conversation. “Remember that blond I went home with at Halloween?”

“The one dressed like a slutty female nurse?” Shikamaru nods. “Of course I remember that guy — he practically singled you out and followed you around until he convinced you to kiss him. He’s also the first guy to get you to ditch Chou and me at a party, which is how we knew you needed the fuck.” He glares at her, and she doesn’t even seem bothered by his annoyance. “What about that guy, Shika? That was like, a month and a half ago.” She gasps suddenly. “You’ve hooked up with him again! A Christmas miracle!”

He rubs his hand over his face and mutters into his palm, “Yes, and no.”

The glee is hard to ignore in Ino’s voice as she asks, “Shikamaru Nara did you exchange _nudes_ with this boy?!” Through the cracks of his fingers he takes a glance at her, and when she spies the red of his cheeks and squeals, he finds himself nearly regretting his whole friendship with her. “ _Shika_ you _slut_!”

“Please don’t call me that,” he grumbles, wishing he could make this whole conversation evaporate as if it never happened. He wishes he’d evaporate too for good measure.

“I can’t _believe_ you’ve been keeping this from me — _me_ who you lost your virginity to!”

Shikamaru frowns at her. “How many times do I have to remind you I was picturing the quarterback’s face the whole time that happened?”

Ino shrugs, flipping her ponytail over her shoulder. “I still got gay little you to cum, so I’ll take the win, thank you very much. Let’s get back to how you sent _dick pics_.” He groans and tries to bury his face in his hands again, but she grabs them and holds them in her own to stop him. She levels him with a moderately serious, if not almost gleeful face, and says, “Listen, Shikamaru, that guy has to have a seriously good dick if it’s made you send him a picture, and as one of your best friends and the only woman besides your mother to see your penis, I demand details.”

“I hate you sometimes.”

“I know, now spill or I’ll text Chouji that you’re ordering Chinese food, and then you’ll have to tell _both of us_.”

He downs the rest of his beer, trying to find strength in the slight slosh of alcohol in his stomach before he opens his mouth to tell Ino everything.

——

It’s hours before Ino leaves, and Shikamaru feels exhausted from having to deal with her nigh overwhelming energy.

Not exhausted enough to not feel horny or to not scroll back through his text messages to find his thread with ‘sexy nurse guy’. He’s long since deleted the picture he sent off his phone as well as from the thread itself. Shikamaru spent hours making sure it was gone from any online cloud it could’ve perchance found its way to the day after he sent it. The same, however, could not be said of the one sent to him. He’d thought about deleting it several times. It didn’t feel right to hold onto this picture when for all he knew the guy had moved on and was in a relationship now. It felt dirty to hold onto it, but at the same time, Shikamaru knew that was part of why he held onto it.

Still, as he opened the picture and took a look at it, he realizes it’s not having the same effect on him now that he’s put it into his own head that the guy is probably in a relationship by this point. He’d been a bit loud, maybe, but he was sweet and hot and Shikamaru couldn’t imagine him _not_ being taken.

 _You up?_ Shikamaru texts before he can stop himself. He regrets it immediately, and God, what is it with this night and _regrets_ , but he doesn’t have long to dwell on it because it’s only a couple minutes before his phone is buzzing with a response.

 _yeah having trouble sleeping, what about you?_ followed with a puzzled emoji face — Shikamaru finds its getting a little harder to breathe and that he’s getting harder despite himself.

Shikamaru reasons quickly that honesty is the best policy and replies, _Just up late thinking about your dick._ Somewhere out in the city, he thinks, Ino is proud of him.

The response is quicker this time. _shit dude, you’re just jumping into it, huh?_

 _What can I say? You have a really nice dick._ He does, and not only does Shikamaru have visual proof, but he can still remember what it felt like inside of him. Shifting where he sits on his bed a little bit, he realizes that yeah, he’s getting a little bit more than heated just thinking about it, which hasn’t happened to him in a long time.

_yours isn’t so bad yourself…_

Shikamaru thinks that’s it. They exchanged niceties about each other’s dicks, and now they’ll both separately masturbate and fall asleep until next time — _if_ there is a next time. He’s already slid his hand into his pants when his phone vibrates again. Opening the message with his spare hand, Shikamaru is glad he’s alone because the whine that slips out at the latest text is a little embarrassing.

_can i call you?_

His fingers almost stop working as he types back _Sure._

He’d be ashamed of answering before his phone even finishes ringing once properly, but his hand’s already on his own cock, he’s not sure it could get worse from here. “H-Hello?”

“Hey.” His voice is what Shikamaru remembers from that night once they were alone — warm and shy. It gets to Shikamaru like nothing else has before. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be down for this; I’ve, uh, never done this before.”

Shikamaru lets out a strangled laugh. “If it makes you feel better, I haven’t either.”

“It does.” There’s a pause, like the guy is considering what to say next, and then he whispers, “I’d feel better if you were here with me though. It’s not the same having to jerk off alone, and you were so goddamn hot riding my cock.”

He takes a shaky breath, his one hand gripping his erection tightly while the other all but clutches his phone. “I told you — you’ve got a really nice dick.”

The guy whines, and the noise makes Shikamaru moan in response as he can’t hold still anymore and starts himself at a slow pace. Even over the phone, Shikamaru can tell that the guy is in a very similar situation. “ _God_ if you were in my bed I’d fuck you until you couldn’t walk the next day.”

Swallowing thickly, Shikamaru replies, “If I was there, I’d let you.” There’s a hitched groan from the phone, and Shikamaru finds his hand moving faster as he also manages to mumble, “I wish you were inside me right now.”

“ _Fuck_ , me too. I — “ The guy stutters, his breathe coming quick in the phone. “I — _fuck_ you’re — “

Shikamaru’s hand tightens and he can’t believe that it’s barely been a couple minutes and he’s already this far gone. At least, he reasons, he’s not alone in that. “I think I’m gonna — “

A gasp from the phone. “ _Fuck_ , me too, I — “

He lets out a strangled groan as he cums, one that is echoed over the phone back at him. Both of them are silent for a moment, just breathing a little heavily, but it’s somehow comforting to not be alone.

“That was, uh — “ The guy gives a breathy laugh. “That was pretty hot.”

Shikamaru can’t help but laugh as well, tilting his head back onto his pillow. “Y-Yeah…it was.”

“Thanks, uh, for letting me call you.” He pauses, and Shikamaru can’t help but hold his breath. “I, uh, actually, wanted to ask you something, and it might be weird ‘cuz we’ve only met each other the once if you don’t count the pictures and this and, _fuck_ , I’m rambling, I’m sorry, I’m just — “

“Nervous?”

A soft laugh. “Yeah.” He swallows and then in a rush asks, “Will you go to this party on Friday with me?”

“Friday?” It was, in a way, everything Shikamaru wanted, just, unfortunately, it wasn’t at the same time. “I-I’m sorry, but I have plans on Friday.”

“Oh.”

“Not — Not _with_ someone, I just have to go to this work thing,” Shikamaru clarifies, wincing as he stumbles over his words. He tries not to think about how much Ino would make fun of him for this moment. “Can…can we do something on Sunday?”

“Yeah!” The guy clears his throat, clearly not expecting this turn of events, and Shikamaru can’t help but smile. “I mean, yeah, that should be fine. I’ll, uh, text you?”

“I look forward to it.”

“Great. I’ll see you Sunday then?”

“Yeah, see you then.”

“Cool.”

There’s a beat, where neither of them speaks, and then Shikamaru says, “I think this is where we hang up.”

“Oh, right.” He laughs awkwardly, and Shikamaru grins. “Sorry, I’ll just — I’ll see you Sunday.”

He hangs up before Shikamaru can say anything else, and once again Shikamaru finds himself with drying cum in his pants and his phone in his hand.

——

“You’re in a really good mood considering we’re at the work holiday party,” comments Chouji, who’s eyeing Shikamaru suspiciously. The pair of them are by the refreshments table getting some drinks together while they wait for Ino and Chouji’s girlfriend to show up. Chouji’s been watching him from the moment he came in that morning.

“Maybe I’m just in the holiday spirit, Chou.”

Chouji snorts. “Shika, we both know that is _not_ what’s going on.” He looks around for a moment before asking, “Does it have something to do with that guy from Sakura’s party? Ino mentioned something about it when we got coffee the other day.”

Shikamaru feels his cheeks grow a little hot. “I’m not sure that now is the best time to talk about this.”

“Oh don’t be a prude, Shika.” He winces as Ino appears with Karui in tow, and the pair of them grin at him and Chouji. “We all know you went home with the guy; what’s knowing a few more sordid details.”

“Very bold, Shikamaru,” Karui says, a knowing grin on her face as she links arms with Chouji, “Didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Oh my God,” groans Shikamaru, his hand covering his face. All three of his friends laugh at him, and he desperately wishes to just leave, but Kushina made him promise that he would stay until he met her son. He’s not sure why he’s indulging her when he has his date on Sunday — the one thing getting him through the week — but if it has the chance to get her off his back about him, then he figures it’s worth it.

“There’s more, haven’t I told you?” Ino turns to Karui and Chouji, and Shikamaru can’t believe one of his best friends is so good at embarrassing him. “He’s got a _date_ with him on Sunday!”

“That’s great Shika!” says Chouji, a wide grin on his face. Karui claps, smiling as well. “Have you remembered his name yet?”

“No he has not,” answers Ino for him, and Shikamaru wonders why he’s still present for this conversation if Ino is just going to spill his entire love life for him. “But, I took the liberty of asking Sakura what his name is. Turns out he’s like, one of her best friends or whatever.”

For a second, Shikamaru feels like there’s water roaring in his ears before he shakes his head and realizes everyone is staring at him. He clears his throat and then glances at Ino before staring firmly at his drink. “So, uh, what is it?”

“It’s — “

“Naruto, come over here and meet my project manager, Shikamaru!”

They all look up to see Kushina walking towards them, pulling who can only be her son behind her, and Shikamaru feels his heart stop when he catches sight of his face.

“Oh _shit_ ,” mumbles Ino gleefully, hand coming up to cover her smirk. Out of the corner of his eye, Shikamaru sees Chouji and Karui exchange shocked expressions, and Shikamaru honestly wants to just fall into a hole.

Next to Kushina, the guy that not only Shikamaru went home with on Halloween but also the guy he’s been sexting stands, gaping equally flabbergasted back. Oblivious, Kushina continues to grin widely as she looks between her son and Shikamaru. “Naruto, honey, where are your manners?”

“Wha — oh, sorry Mom.” The guy, his boss’ son apparently, waves at Shikamaru, smile growing more confident on his face, and Shikamaru isn’t sure if he’s nauseous or turned on. “Hi, I’m Naruto Uzumaki.”

“Shikamaru Nara,” he whispers, unsure what to do with his hands besides clutch his paper cup like his life depended on it. “Nice to meet you.”

Naruto glances at his mom, a laugh hiding in his eyes at their circumstances, before he says, “Right, nice to meet you. I’ve, uh, heard a lot about you. From my mom.” He meets Shikamaru dead on and adds, “She says you’re a very hard worker.”

Ino chokes on her drink, and Shikamaru pats on her back more roughly than he needed to out of spite. 

“Kushina is very generous with her words; she’s the one who has all the ideas around here I just manage them.”

With a laugh, Kushina tries to subtly push Naruto closer to Shikamaru — an act that literally all of them catch. “Please, Shika, you do far more than manage my ideas.” She glances between all of them, eyes lingering on how Naruto and Shikamaru can’t stop staring at each other, and with a smirk adds, “Well I’ll leave you kids to it. I’m sure Minato is wandering around, lost without me.” Kushina walks away, but not before sending a not-so-subtle wink towards her son. Naruto rolls his eyes as his mother leaves their little group.

“Hey, Karui, Ino, let me introduce you to Asuma, the advertising rep I was telling you about.” Chouji winks at Shikamaru as he steers his girlfriend and their mutual best friend away. Ino mouths _good luck_ , and Karui gives him a thumbs up. Shikamaru distantly registers Naruto’s chuckle, and it just serves to make his cheeks redder.

“You’re cuter than I remember,” whispers Naruto, stepping closer to Shikamaru now that they’re alone, “And for the record, I promise I didn’t realize you were my mother’s prize employee she keeps trying to sell me on.”

“I can’t believe this is happening,” mutters Shikamaru, feeling like his worst nightmares are coalescing into one monster. At the same time, he’s ecstatic to see the guy he’s been unable to stop thinking about in person again; he just wishes it didn’t have to be in front of his boss and friends.

“Honestly? Me either.” Naruto shrugs, smile wide across his face. He nudges Shikamaru with his elbow. “I’m glad it is happening though. I really wanted to have you here with me tonight. I wanted to get my mother off my back about finding someone, but I guess this is now a bird with two stones situation, huh?”

Shikamaru can’t help the laugh that escapes from his mouth, nor the grin that emerges onto his face. “I guess so. She has, uh, been rather persistent as of late, hasn’t she?”

“ _God_ , she’s been non-stop every time I go home for dinner.” Naruto shakes his head fondly. “I know she means well, but she’s been acting like I’ll die alone for the past four months.” His smiles turns a little impish. “Not that I could tell her about the cute guy I met at Sakura’s Halloween party because then she’d ask why I hadn’t brought you over for dinner yet.”

“Jesus,” Shikamaru stifles a groan at the thought, “I don’t think I’ll be able to stand her incredibly smug face.”

“Oh, then don’t look now because she’s conspiring with my dad, and that only means trouble for both of us.”

Shikamaru does groan now, fingers massaging the bridge of his nose. “I’m so screwed.”

Naruto hums, pitching his voice low so only Shikamaru can hear him. “Not yet; we’ll have to save that for later, _Shika_.”

He shivers and pointedly does not look in the vicinity of where his friends are standing, definitely watching them. Taking a deep breath, Shikamaru whispers, “ _You_ need to _behave_.”

“Or what?” asks Naruto, stepping ever closer, his face only a few inches from Shikamaru’s, and Shikamaru hates how hot his face feels at the proximity.

“ _Or_ ,” Shikamaru begins, determinedly maintaining eye contact with Naruto, letting a small grin slip onto his face, “You’ll have to wait until _Sunday_.”

“So you’re saying if I play nice, there’s a chance tonight?”

He glances briefly towards his friends, who are all watching eagerly, and then towards Kushina, who seems to be whispering fervently with with a man who looks an awful lot like Naruto. Shikamaru wants nothing more than to just leave the party with Naruto now, but a part of him refuses to give them all more of a reason to gloat. Meeting Naruto’s eyes again, Shikamaru says, “We’ll just have to see, won’t we, _Naruto_?”

There’s a moment where Shikamaru thinks that Naruto’s going to throw caution to the wind and kiss him right there, and his body thrums with anticipation. Then Naruto backs off, hands in his pockets as he laughs, smile as wide as ever. “I can be patient.”

Shikamaru scoffs, a mirroring smile on his face. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Challenge accepted.”

——

“Bet you didn’t think you’d have to make small talk with my parents so soon, huh?” Naruto asks, kicking snow off his boots before they head up the stairs into Shikamaru’s apartment building.

“I definitely wasn’t expecting Kushina to introduce as her project manager and your _special friend_. Are you sure she doesn’t know we hooked up?” He unlocks the front door, holding it open for Naruto as he follows him.

Naruto shrugs, a sheepish smile on his face as he waits in front of the elevator with him. “Don’t moms always seem to know your darkest secrets when you least want them to? I know she definitely guessed I was bi before I came out to her. I wouldn’t put it past her to have texted Sakura and asked her if I was seeing anyone.” He blows out between his lips. “And Lord knows Sakura would rat me out in a heartbeat if it meant embarrassing me.”

Shikamaru snorts. “Sounds like Ino; no wonder they’re friends.” A realization hits him after he presses the fourth floor button, and he pales dramatically. “Oh God, I hope Ino hasn’t said anything to my mom. She’ll _kill_ me if I’m not the first one to tell her I’m seeing someone.”

There’s a beat of silence as they stand in the elevator, and then Naruto asks softly, “ _Are_ we seeing each other?”

Blushing, Shikamaru shuffles as the elevator dings, signaling their arrival to the proper floor. He places his hand over the elevator doors to hold at bay as he mumbles, unable to look at Naruto, “I mean, if it’s okay with you.”

Naruto steps forward and grabs Shikamaru’s free hand, immediately intertwining their fingers. “It’s more than okay with me.”

He looks over at Naruto, warmth flowing through him, stemming from where their hands are touching, and Shikamaru can’t help but grin as he tugs Naruto out of the elevator and towards his apartment. 

**Author's Note:**

> i've had this done for uh a while and whilst my wife was playing fe3h today during an acnh break i decided to work on posting it. i guess i still need to get naruto stuff out of my system because i haven't joined her in fe3h ship hell (tho oh lord she tryin'). i had a lot of fun reading over this again though! it's funny to me that i accidentally forgot to make this xmas plot very.......xmasy. oops? tbh i was having too much fun with ino pestering shikamaru to remember it was a holiday fic prompt.


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